When Grief Comes to Work: The Limits of Bereavement Leave and Why Boundaries Matter
Did you know that the recommended time off after the death of a close family member is 20 days?
It’s been a minute since I published a new edition of the Brief. I took a short break because I set a boundary with myself. Yes, you can set a boundary with yourself. For me, that looked like prioritizing paid work first and, while I love writing these Briefs, not letting them be a distraction from what I felt I should be doing.
I'm glad to be writing again and have been thinking a lot about December approaching and my experience Wintering last year. It was an intentional pause that lasted well into January during which I made time to rest, to catch up on my TBR, to farm in Stardew Valley, and to grieve. The grieving was perhaps the most important piece, allowing me to reflect on what was challenging and discover what I needed to let go of to become the next best version of myself.
The end of the year has a way of holding up a mirror to our lives, reminding us of the people we’ve lost or the things we’ve had to let go. And when you're grieving the world doesn’t often slow down to meet you where you are. But grief isn’t something you “get over” in a few days. It lives in the body. It comes in waves. And it deserves to be honored, not just with time off, but with policies, practices, and people that make space for the full range of human experience.
Let’s talk about how we can do better, because as today's quote reminds us, we have all known suffering.
“We bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world – the company of those who have known suffering.”
Helen Keller, We Bereaved
NFP Leave Benchmarking Report, 2023
📊 Data: The State of Bereavement Leave
The U.S. has no federal law guaranteeing paid bereavement leave. The Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) covers serious health conditions but not grief or death.
→ U.S. Department of Labor - FMLA24% of employers provide paid bereavement leave for miscarriage and failed IVF attempts, and 32% of employers have expanded their policies to include close relations and even pets.
→ NFP Leave Benchmarking Report, 2023
While most employers offer bereavement leave, data indicate that low-wage workers in are less likely to have all forms of paid leave.
→ Bureau of Labor Statistics, 2023Standard bereavement policies often offer just 3–5 days, typically limited to immediate family (parents, children, siblings, spouse), with fewer days depending on the relationship. 35% of employers offer 1-3 days of leave, while 45% offer 4-5 days.
→ Lean In, A surprising employee benefit that often tops the list for women with marginalized identities: Bereavement Leave, 2023Companies that offer expanded bereavement leave report higher employee morale, productivity, and retention.
→ Prescott HR: The Importance of Bereavement Benefits for Employee Well-being and Retention, 2024
Lean In, A surprising employee benefit that often tops the list for women with marginalized identities: Bereavement Leave, 2023
⚖️ Equity & Inclusion: Who Gets to Grieve?
Grief doesn’t show up the same for everyone, and neither do workplace responses to grief. Employers shouldn't gatekeep the grieving process, but they often do.
LGBTQ+ workers may not have their chosen family recognized under traditional bereavement policies.
Black, Indigenous, and people of color (BIPOC) often carry cultural grief, community loss, and historical trauma but find that policies don't create allowances for their loss.
People with disabilities or chronic illness may experience compounded grief due to loss of physical or cognitive abilities, loss of identity, or loss from caregiver death.
And let’s not forget that invisible grief - like miscarriage, estrangement, loss of a pet, or a chosen family member - often isn’t acknowledged at all.
🧠 Insight
Grief is deeply personal. But when organizations only honor certain types of grief or certain types of relationships, they reinforce inequity. Boundaries aren’t just about saying “no,” they’re also about recognizing what needs to be named, validated, and supported.
Bureau of Labor Statistics, 2023
🔲 Boundary Highlight: Grief Deserves Space
Grief pushes against the rigid boundaries of work, including deadlines, productivity, and “professionalism.”
Here’s what happens when grief meets poor boundaries:
People feel pressure to hide their emotions to be seen as competent.
Supervisors make insensitive comments or ignore the loss altogether.
Employees return to work too quickly, leading to burnout or disengagement.
Teams avoid conversations because they’re unsure what to say.
💡 When we acknowledge grief, we give people permission to be human.
Boundaries that help:
Building time boundaries into policies (e.g., tiered bereavement leave).
Encouraging emotional boundaries like opt-outs from social events or check-ins.
Honoring relational boundaries by expanding definitions of family.
SHRM, Employee Benefits Survey, 2025
🧾 Law & Policy: Where We Are, and Where We Can Go
Policies can't decide what a relationship means to you. Employers can do better. And while there’s no U.S. federal law requiring employers to provide bereavement leave, some states and companies are leading the way. As of 2025, 5 states (California, Illinois, Maryland, Oregon, and Washington) have bereavement leave laws.
Policies to Watch:
Oregon: Allows up to 2 weeks of bereavement leave per event and a total of 4 weeks in a one-year period, to be used within 60 days of notice of death.
Illinois (2022): Expanded bereavement leave to include a "reproductive loss event" like pregnancy loss and failed adoptions.
Adobe and Google: Offer up to 20 days of bereavement leave.
→ AbsenceSoft, An HR Guide to Bereavement Leave, 2025Patagonia: In addition to two weeks of paid time off, provides grief support resources and flexible return-to-work options.
Organizational Actions:
Expand bereavement leave to 10+ days with options for extended unpaid leave.
Include chosen family, friends, pets, and cultural considerations in definitions of loss.
Offer grief counseling, employee resource groups, or stipends for funerals/travel.
Train managers on trauma-informed supervision and compassionate communication.
✅ Take Action: Grieve with Intention and Boundaries
🧠 Individual
Take time to name your needs, whether that’s time off, flexibility, or privacy.
Set gentle boundaries with others around energy, conversation, and socializing.
If you’re supporting someone else, ask: “How can I best support you right now?”
🏢 Organizational
Review bereavement policies for gaps, rigidity, or inequity.
Normalize grief in meetings, trainings, and leadership development.
Create safe spaces for storytelling, remembrance, and care.
🌍 Systemic
Advocate for paid bereavement leave at the state and federal level.
Partner with grief-focused nonprofits and mental health orgs to support employees.
Fund research on grief in the workplace, especially for marginalized populations.
💭 Closing Thought
Grief comes in waves, big and small. This time of year, let’s practice grace for ourselves and others who may be experiencing a loss or transition. Let’s push back on policies that erase grief, and lead with the kind of care that reminds us that we are not alone.
🕯️ Boundaries are a form of remembrance, too. They allow us to move slowly, to feel what we feel, and to honor what’s been lost.